Question Your Fears

Several weeks ago I had a bit of an epiphany. I am in a very happy marriage but for around a year I would get these horrible thoughts in my head about it not working out in the end. I would worry that something would happen to one of us, he would lose interest, grow tired of me or simply decide he was no longer in love. These would become especially devastating when I was feeling insecure about… well, really anything. For a while these increased at an alarming rate and put me into a bit of a panic.

It’s important to add here that my husband did absolutely nothing to bring about these feelings. For the longest time I never even told him I had these thoughts because I knew they were unwarranted. This man is my partner, my best friend, and my biggest encourager. Don’t get me wrong, we have our moments, some longer than others, but I can tell anyone, without hesitation, how in love we are.

SO WHAT'S WITH ALL THE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS?

At one point I had read that these things could have to do with Pluto’s placement in your natal chart. At first, the idea that this happens to other people gave me a little relief but ultimately, the fears did not go away. Then one night, while getting ready for bed, it hit me.

Our relationship had just passed the record of either of my parents' past relationships and my subconscious was on fire. You see, both of them are currently in their 4th marriages and as they were my biggest examples growing up, my view on long term relationships was skewed, to say the least.

Realizing that my relationship had now surpassed any of the examples I had previously been privy to, was like a lightbulb flipping on. I could see the underbelly of it all. I had a fear of my marriage failing because I had seen the multiple marriages of my parents fail. And once we passed the length of any relationship I had known, my subconscious had started thinking,

“Any day now... any day now and this is all going to end.”

Without knowing it, I had begun reading into every little thing, feeding all of my fears, and fully self sabotaging my otherwise, very healthy relationship. These thoughts and feelings I was experiencing weren’t rooted in my present reality, they were the ghosts of relationships past, and not even my own. You cannot imagine the amount of relief I felt realizing that I was not predicting our future or anticipating the inevitable, I was just scared.

My husband’s parents are still together. We just celebrated their 50th anniversary a few years ago. His experience and example of partnership was completely different from mine and because of this, and surely a myriad of other reasons, he doesn’t seem to have these same irrational fears. This makes me wonder what other fears I may be harboring that truly don’t belong to me. It’s one thing to go through life and form your own belief system based on your personal experiences, and sure, my parents’ divorces are part of my experience, but it's important to not impose other people’s history onto your present. When I think back to the hours I’ve probably spent being concerned about the longevity of my marriage instead of actively participating in it, it's a little heartbreaking. But through this I have learned to question my fears and reevaluate them often. Once I understood that my marriage wasn’t actually in jeopardy and it was just my beliefs around marriage that needed to be checked, those thoughts and feelings magically disappeared.

What fears are you holding onto and are you sure they belong to you? I hope through my example you can find comfort in first knowing that these darker thoughts can come up for anyone, and second, I hope you dive deep and really question where your fears are coming from. You might be surprised!